Notes from a former spy on making friends when you're in a completely foreign environment

by Sandi K.
Education status classified
July 14, 2008

I'm surprised I was cleared by the Unnamed Intelligence Agency from Unnamed Western Nation to release this article. In real-life espionage, there aren't many gadgets on which to rely on for acquiring sensitive government information. Real-life espionage relies essentially on your people skills (and some slight disguises). Well, the official term is the ability to "manipulate/coerce and develop potential agents to pass on sensitive government information" but "making friends" is much less sinister sounding, you know.

Initiate some small talk. Years ago, my first mission was to recruit a government scientist in the middle of an unnamed Southeast Asian country. "Amir" liked to hang out in a tiny little restaurant nearby an unidentified building where I "worked" as a diplomat. I wasn't sure how to approach him. Then I started hanging out in that tiny little restaurant, and eventually I finally said something to him. "The weather here is really humid." It'll be awkward at first, but if you play it well, it'll be pretty effective.

Imitate (subtly) the potential friend's body language. Some people do this subconsciously already, but if you do it intentionally, it can establish almost instant rapport with complete strangers. Not that I'm advising you to go and start trying to make friends with random strangers...But anyway--Say you're in an unnamed Southeast Asian country and your next job is to convince a pretty important government worker named "Andrew" (originally from Wales, don't know how) who has some pretty flamboyant body language to give you access to important information. Don't flail your arms as much as "Andrew" does, or you'll hit someone.

Find something you both (dis)like. I would think this was obvious, but let me reiterate: you must find some common ground with the person you are trying to make friends with. Remember though that the majority of people generally do not make friends with people who are carbon copies of themselves. "Andrew" and I couldn't be more opposite in our tastes and our culture. And yet, we both harbored an extreme dislike for acid jazz. In something negative like that (a dislike), we still found something in common with despite our massive differences in personality and culture.

Don't pretend to be someone you're not. Cliched. I know. And uhh, yes, I realize this isn't really something intelligence officers are supposed to follow as we normally have several covers (alternative identities) on assignments, but I'm writing to teenagers who are not supposed to be out recruiting people with access to sensitive government information! Anyway, my point is, go and be yourself. If the person you're trying to make friends with doesn't seem too enamored by you, they're probably not going to be a really good friend (or even just an acquaintance) anyways.