Letters from the Switched on "The Divorce Issue" issue

Dear Switched-On,

My Parents were really happy together just a few months ago. Now they are getting a divorce and I don't know what happened. They expect me to just play along and act the same as always. They expect stupid things. Everything is different and I can't stand to see their faces anymore. Don't they understand what this is doing to me? I can't be here on more second.


Signed,
Launch me

Dear Launch,

That sucks. Straight up. Sorry you have to be in the middle of it and even sorrier that there is nothing you can do about it. The truth is just that, though: You didn't make this problem and you can't fix it. I'm sure your parents are saying things like "You'll always have two parents who love you" and "Our problems aren't your fault". It's easy to ignore them and think that these are just stupid things people read out of a book, but maybe they really mean those things. Maybe they really do want what's best for you. One thing is certain, though, there is nothing they can do if they don't know how you feel. Have you been able to find a non-judgmental, smart way to talk to them about your feelings. Some families start familiy meetings just for this reason. If they know how close you are to leaving, maybe they can do something to fix their relationship with you. It's likely that they really would like to have that chance.

Switched On mooks,

My family fights constantly. The worst fights, however, are between my mom and dad. They just yell all the time. They seem to hate each other. How do I convince them to just get a divorce and get over it?

Signed,
Done with it.

Dear Done,

That sounds like a rough thing to live through every day. Different people have different ways of communicating. Sometimes, however, the way of communicating can be pretty messed up. It may actually stop people from listening rather than get them paying attention. Your parents may have fallen into this pattern. You shouldn't have to be the adult in situations like this- trying for a better kind of communication between all of you, but you don't have to fall into their patterns. Sometimes just working for- and trying- a different, saner communication is something one person in the family can start. Your school counselor or the National Runaway switchboard at 1-800-RUNAWAY may be able to give you some resources that would help you find communication methods that really work to introduce into your family. If your parents actually found a better way to talk, do you think you would still want the divorce?

Switched,

My parents divorced in September. Now my dad is remarried and I have a whole new family, complete with younger brother, older sister, new house, new neighborhood, etc. The problem is that it's not me. It's not my life. I feel like I'm in someone else's story and everyone just tells me to get over it. I don't think I will.

Signed,
Not getting over it.

Dear NGOI,

You are 100% right. You are in a whole new life and it's not one that you chose or worked for or wanted or made happen. You were taken for a ride by something that is not your fault and is not your doing. You have every reason to be freaked out and uncomfortable, to be angry and to be confused. You have every reason to miss your old life and to want to go back to it, but that's not possible right now. What IS possible is for you to take control of this situation and to make it more your own. You may have been wandering around in a fog for a bit while you got settled but maybe now is when you get to decide who you are. You have a great opportunity in front of you to be whoever you want to be, to make yourself into the person you feel good about. Sometimes that's all we have when we find ourselves in situations we can't change that we didn't ask for. Maybe starting small, with some things you CAN change, about yourself and your new life, would be helpful. In your life, you may well find yourself in hundreds of situations you didn't explicitly ask for. What kind of person you are may be decided by what you do in those situations.