Letters from the Switched on "The Sexually Transmitted Disease Issue. That''s right. " issue

I know you're going to tell me to get the hell out of this relationship, but it's a lot harder than that. I started going out with this guy about a year ago. Everything was great until we started to have sex. Now he acts like he owns me and we have to do it whenever he wants to. The part I'm not liking too much, though, is that we don't do safe sex and I don't know if I trust him anymore. I found another girl's phone number in his room a few weeks ago and certain things make me think that he's probably still out there meeting people. I know he would have had sex with me right away. How can I say that I don't feel safe without making it sound like I don't trust him?


Signed,
Almost TIH (Trust is Hard)

Dear TIH,

First of all, we're sorry about all that. It sucks not feeling really comfortable in a relationship. The only reason to have a relationship is that you feel better in it. If that's not happening for you, We're sorry that you have to deal with it. But as for the rest, at a certain point, it isn't really about trust. Sometimes it helps to just have a blanket policy if it makes you feel better. You can always try this, "I don't have sex unless I want to and we are being safe. It's not about trusting you or believing in you or anything about you at all. It's me It's what I need to feel safe." Then you can deal with that any way you like if he doesn't like it. It sounds like you're worried he might be with other people when you're together and you might be right. Right or not, though, you can't be doing things that make you feel bad. That won't make you feel good about yourself or your relationship. If you do care about this guy, you will find a way to make sure that what happens between you is something that feels right. You have the right to that.

Switched On,

This is a dumb question but I had a sore on my private parts that just went away all by itself. This scared me enough to stop having sex for a while but now I want to start again. Did what I had just go away and how common is that?

Signed,
Gone?

Dear Gone?,

What you're describing is pretty common. Some Sexually transmitted diseases can be kind of tricky. This is why it makes sense to learn as much as you can about them before jumping in and having sex. Syphilis, a sexually transmitted disease, can leave you with a painless red chancre sore on your privates and maybe some swelling in your glands. The sore then goes away on its own and is sometimes followed by a sore throat or a headache. The disease is still there, though. In fact, it can last for the rest of your life and give you major health problems for decades. But a trip to the doctor can fix it for you. It's important to not guess as stuff like this, but instead let your doctor make the final call. Sometimes we hope so much that things will go away on their own we forget to be smart and follow up.

Dear Switched on dudes,

That's it. I'm never having sex. With all the diseases around it's not worth it. I'm terrified and I'm never doing it. I think that they should show this stuff on tv and all the kids would never have sex and problem solved. What do you think?

Signed,
Afraid

Dear Afraid,

Well. Good for you for making a strong decision about this. It's your body and it's good that you know what you are and aren't willing to do with it. Unfortunately, we're not too sure that the way you're making this decision is exactly right for everyone. What some people do when they are afraid is to shut it out and not think about the thing they're afraid of. They put it right out of their mind. Sometimes they do that and then go ahead and do that thing anyway, just now they don't think about it. Crazy? Maybe, but that's what the human mind does when it's afraid. Biologically we're programmed to sometimes override our brains and just do the thing we're so afraid of. It's like you wake up one day and say "all right, brain. I know you're probably right but I'm too hungry and I'm going to take that piece of meat away from that cougar anyway." This example might mean nothing to you if you don't live in cougar territory, but basically, sometimes we feel so strongly that we don't take our brain's advice anymore.

So what's a good answer? That's going to be a little different for everyone. Keeping your brain turned on and working is always a good start, though. You sound like a smart person who is willing to listen to the brain. Just try not to scare the brain.