Letters from the Switched on "The Music Issue" issue

Dear Switched-on,

Ok, i always try to do the right thing, and make the right choices. If you look at my record, you will see that I am always responsible, never lie and never do bad things. I get good grades. I haven't done anything wrong, really, so far but my mom wont let me go out to see a concert. She says that I've been good only because I haven't been allowed to see concerts. I say I've been good so I SHOULD be allowed to go. She's so overprotective! I feel like I'm in a prison! Which of us is right?

Signed,
Goody Two Shoes

Dear Shoes,

That's a hard situation. You feel like you should be getting “points” for good behavior that you can use to do things you want to do- and that's not unreasonable. Your mom, on the other hand, feels like your good behavior is because you haven't been allowed to do what you want to do and is afraid to budge. She may be afraid that you will change- that you will make different decisions based on what new freedoms you have. I wonder if there isn't some way to show her that you can and will use additional freedoms as an opportunity to continue making good decisions. What if you took one of the freedoms that you DO have, one that you enjoy, and showed her how it caused you to make better decisions? I know it sounds stupid, but it may take baby steps here, especially if she really is afraid of change. You growing up and having your own interests, your own music, your own ideas, may be terrifying, especially if she's always been able to rely on you up until now. I also wonder what might happen if you were to buy a couple of tickets to a concert she would want to go to and go with her, showing her how much fun the two of you together could have without doing anything that would make her uncomfortable. Who knows, she might enjoy that time with you not just as a child, but as a person. She could walk away seeing you differently. The way you are right now, not as a little kid.

Switched On,

I'm 17 and I just recently started to listen to darker music, go to shows, etc. I admit that I dress kind of dark and I'm sort of rebelling against a lot of the things that my parents think are important. I have reasons and I'm not a nut, but that's how my parents look at me. They pretty much think I've gone over the edge and they're starting to talk to people about sending me away, I think. How can I just be myself and get them to understand I'm not crazy.

Signed,
Not even a little bit crazy.

Dear Not Even,

It's hard to comment without more information. What sorts of things are making your parents think you're going nuts? Is it just the music they hate? If you feel like it's just the music, you may make points by pointing out to them that every generation has had parents who hated the music they listened to. The parents of Elvis fans all over the world were afraid that their kids would grow up to be perverts and crazy people because he shook his hips a lot. The line has changed a little and it does every generation. That might be making your parents feel like you don't know what the OTHER lines are. What if you showed them that you understand where the lines of behavior are for you and WHY? (especially why). Rebellion is one of those things that everyone does in little bits or in big bits. Explaining to them that you rebel against some of the values of their generation, but not necessarily against them may help as well. You may see this change in you as finding a voice of your own, but they may see it as you picking up someone else's voice. If you can explain to them that you're not being controlled and that you're still just you, that may turn the tide.

Guys,

I�m turning 16 in a few months and I�m in all advanced placement and college classes. I�ve been doing great up until this year but now my grades are slipping- I�m at Bs and Cs instead of As and Bs. My mom is constantly ragging on me. Usually when we fight, I listen to music afterwards and I feel better. Lately, though, even the music isn�t helping. Nothing works. She tells me if I don�t get my grades together she�s going to make my life a living hell. All I can think about is that without music, I don�t know if I can deal with her. What can I do?

Signed,
BrokenRecord

Dear BR,

Well, that sucks. When we�re used to relying on things like music to make things better it�s hard when we can�t anymore. It�s possible that your brain really wants you to listen to something right now and doesn�t WANT you to escape. Sometimes the things we use to escape situations stop working if we�re just not wanting to really escape anymore- if we want to stand up and start fixing instead. You haven�t said what YOU think made your grades fall or if you think that working with tutors or moving to standard classes may help. You also haven�t said what YOU want- do you want better grades or are you happy with where you are at? It�s possible that a school counselor could take an objective look at your situation and give you some good advice on what you might do differently. Maybe meeting with your counselor AND your mom may remind her that you take this situation seriously as well and want to find a good answer. And maybe once you feel like you�ve done what you can to be a little happier for real in the situation, you�ll really enjoy listening to a few records.